Setting Boundaries: How to Do It with Family, Friends and Co-Workers

If I could have any superpower, it wouldn’t be invisibility or flying or walking through walls. I want it to be great at setting boundaries and sticking to them. It takes courage to establish and maintain your boundaries with those closest to you.

Why is this important? Why do you need to set boundaries anyway?

Healthy boundaries = Self care, happiness, loving relationships, high self esteem

No boundaries = Anger, burnout, resentment, stress, relationship issues. The list can go on and on.

You see…boundaries are needed for your physical and mental health.

Remember what they say about resentment. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick.

Please put the poison down.

Here are some rules to live by that I learned along my way.

Prioritize Your Needs – First

Free Chicken. Remember in the before times when we all traveled the world? For those that paid attention during the safety announcements, the flight attendants gave you some free chicken (that’s Army speak for free advice/free gift). They tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping others.

Words to live by. Genius. Am I Right? Bet you will pay more attention now!

In order for you to be of any use to those around you, you need to help yourself first. I say again, help yourself first. That’s not being selfish it’s being selfless.

Figure out you first. You are no use to any body if you can’t figure out your own issues.

Respect Yourself and Your Time

Has this ever happened to you? It’s 3:30 on a Friday afternoon. You can’t wait to spend the night canoodling with your boo watching Netflix.

You receive a Skype message from the boss,“do you mind staying signed in to work on project XYZ? You don’t have plans, right”

You know you have a date with Netflix and your hunny. Your brain says “yes I have plans” but your traitorous mouth says “nope, no problem!”

Ugh. Why do we do that? Why do we say yes?

We.

Are.

People.

Pleasers.

The worse part of part of being a people pleaser is that you can never please everyone at the same time. When you say yes to someone else, you are saying no to yourself.

Stop saying Yes when it should be a Hell No!

By setting a boundary on your time, you are creating time and space for yourself!

As a struggling People Pleaser myself, let me share with you my strategies.

• Take a breath.
• Wait a minute before answering. If they need an immediate answer just count to 10 before saying anything.
• Check your schedule. If you have something on your calendar, even something small, say no.
• Talk to your significant other. Sometimes, you need support to say, no. They can give you an out with your boss!

Create Non-Negotiable Rules

Your non-negotiable rules can be about anything. Here are some quick thoughts.

• Violence of any kind
• Abuse – physical or emotional
• Safety of you or your family

Create an If/Then Rule. Creating an if/then rule is easy to do if you use this formula.

If your Co-Worker/Family/Friend Does X, I will do Y.

For instance, in all of my relationships, I have a “Don’t Raise Your Voice to Me” Boundary. Believe me, this is a fun boundary when you are in the military.

For all my boundaries, I give a warning shot. If someone raises their voice to me, I will say “Don’t talk to me like that, I understand your mad. Please lower your tone.” If they don’t, I will walk away until they do.

Communicate and Make Adjustments As Needed

Boundaries don’t need to be made in stone. You can adjust them as you need.

The hardest part of setting boundaries is identifying your need. Your needs or your understanding of your needs will change over time. To find more about trusting your gut, read my article on 5 Ways to Strengthen Your Intuition Today.

Once you figure out your desires, communicate your need to your significant other, family or coworkers. The key is to do this with patience and compassion.

If this is the first time you set boundaries, understand it will take them a minute to adjust to them.

Give them a little bit of grace. YET, still ensure they are respecting your boundary.

Be assertive when setting your own boundaries. Also, understand that others may be setting boundaries with you.

“Saying yes feels good, but a great relationship is one where you can say no and everyone is totally okay with it.”

Dr. Henry Cloud

Be okay with saying no to others and having other tell YOU no. Boundaries are two way streets. You must also respect the boundaries of others!

More Resources and Reading

• This is a great resource for doing some exploration with setting boundaries.
• Read this book. “Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life,” by Dr. Henry Cloud. I love this book. Check it out from Amazon or your favorite book store.